NT Parents vs. SN Parents

I am a mother.

I am a mother to three children.

I am a mother to three kids, where one of them has "problems".

I am a mother to three kids, where one of them has "problems", but that I love all equally.

You say that there is NO way you could do what I do, put up with what I put up with, and defend what I have to defend.

You say we are a strong, but rare breed. But there are more parents like me than you most likely even know. Because we don't look to be recognized or placed on a pedestal.

We do what we have to do, when we have to do it, as to ensure that our "special" kids are getting everything in life that they deserve.

That includes being as close to "normal" as we can get them. And to obtain the specialized services, that though are supposed to be rendered by Federally mandated Laws, are not always put in to place.

We rejoice at what most people take for granted. Especially when they are "late bloomers". We cry from the frustration. Not just our own, but the frustrations that our children display.

We want what ALL (okay, MOST) parents want for their kids. A better and fulfilling life.

You and I aren't THAT different in the world of Parenting. We, like our children, just do things a little bit different from the rest of you. And we see things (like first words, first steps and the other norms of growing up) a tad bit differently as well.

Other than that, I'm not much different from you. And yes, you CAN do what I do on a daily basis. Because when push comes to shove, when it comes to your child, you would do most ANYTHING and move every mountain and boulder to help your child achieve their very best potential.

Do I want to just throw my hands up and quit? YES! Sometimes, the fight to help your child achieve can really tire you emotionally and mentally. As can their daily struggles and fights of will. But in the end, no matter how much you want to just turn around and walk away, you CAN'T. You know for a fact that you have invested WAY too much time, energy, and most important, love in to helping your children succeed to the best of their ability.

So, the next time you think to yourself that you could "never do my job as a parent", or think I must be a lot stronger than you, take a step back and think, and know that when it all comes down to that fine line in the sand, there is really no line at all.

Schoolward Bound. Fifth Grade, Here He Comes!!

This past week we are about to leave, and the one that is coming upon us has been and will be fairly busy. It's back to school time. And I think that ALL of us are ready. For the most part, anyways.

This week was filled with filling out paperwork, taking in paperwork to be filled out by Medical Professionals, a doctor appointment and school supply shopping.

Geez! Just thinking of what I just listed, I'm tired all over again! *hehe* (=

This coming week, it's REGISTRATION time! And this means now, TWO different schools for three different kids. My oldest is moving on to Middle School.

B is in fifth grade this year. And thankfully, I was able to place him in with my oldest's former homeroom teacher, who is the ONLY one of the three in their grade to be Special Education certified.

It also helps that she taught my HUSBAND when he was a kid at another school, for the third grade. And she started LAST school year to acclimate him by saying good morning to him, giving him his "morning hug" (their classrooms were next to one another at the time between the two grades). And she already has gotten an idea of what his needs will be with classroom placement and what will possibly work best to get the best ability out of his potential.

She runs a pretty tight ship. You do as expected, she is your BFF. You decide to make her life hell and not do as instructed, then your ass is grass. And he needs that kind of firm structure. And she is already on to his manipulations. BONUS!

Do I worry? Yep! But not as much as I have with the teachers of the past in regards to B. This lady is one of the best in her field. And one of the most patient and kind. But also one of the most strict and not able to be bamboozled, too.

I'll more so worry NEXT year, then I will THIS year. Because there is a VERY good chance that B and his older sister will NOT be in the same Middle School, being she was accepted in to a school across town that takes those that are highly advanced/gifted. If she is able to remain there next school year (2012-2013), then he will be in our Zone School for Middle School all on his own.

Yes, he too is advanced in most areas of study. But he doesn't have the work ethic and focus for a Gifted Program. Thanks to his emotional instability, lack of maturity, and his severe ADHD it takes him out of the running for advancement such as what his sister is in. And it hurts me. But at the same time, I can safely say that a setting such as that is clearly not for him.

Should I compare? No. But it is extremely hard to NOT see the difference versus the similarities.

You sometimes, I feel, HAVE TO compare the "odd one out" to the others because it forces you to see just how different the one with the problems truly is from most of society. It makes you step back and think a little more and be more compassionate, understanding and willing to have more patience. Not just with YOUR child with Silent Disabilities, but other children (and adults) with the same afflictions as well.

So, here is to (hopefully) smooth sailing for this school year. In just over a week, and then all three are off on another school-year adventure of learning and fun. But this year, it will be minus their big sister. And I think they will do just fine.

Inclusion...As it should be.

My child has mental health issues. They do NOT have him, though. He may have his quirks and his ways of viewing the world around him. But when you get down to the brass tacks of it all, he is just your average, ordinary, everyday kid who loves, loves to be loved, plays hard and loves to play with others (most of the time).

Also, we got his SOL (Standards of Learning) scores back from taking them for Reading and Math. He placed Advanced in both. One of them (Reading) was a 2 hour to 2 1/2 hour test. He was able to go to another area to take his test and have as much time as he needed. He felt less stressed and anxiety-ridden, and felt more at ease at knowing that he could just take HIS time and not feel any pressure.

We are now officially out of school for the Summer. But we are getting B in to the Day Treatment Camp. And I already have his new Homeroom teacher lined up for next year. She is the ONLY one of the three in the 5th Grade Unit Special Ed. certified and is already acclimating him to be with her. In fact she started it MONTHS ago, seeing as they are only three doors down from one another. I love H's (now former) teacher!

     (My niece who is going to be a Senior in HS and B at the family reunion)

     (Five...yes, F-I-V-E generations of my husband's late Grandfather's side of the family. 7 kids, 16 grands and 32 great-grands, and 1 great-great grand. NOT all pictured here, but includes spouses/significant others, with my son in very front in red shirt and blue shorts.)

                (B in the school's Field Day race this past Thursday.)

Denial..Why "Our" Kids? (PYHO)

**Reminder..Those of us linking up with Shell at PYHO are literally writing from our hearts, what is on our minds. Good, bad and indifferent. It's a place to BUILD UP, not tear down those of us participating. So, if you have NOTHING NICE to say in your comment, please refrain from commenting at all.**

I've got a lovely, sweet, funny and kind new Bloggy and Twitter friend. Her pen name is The_Drama_Mama over at The Scoop On Poop. I have even added her blog to my Blog list of Special Needs Bloggers here in The "Mental"-ist Mom. Most of the time, she shows us what her life with a child with many mental disorders is like using humor and seeing the lighter side of life.

But she took on a more serious topic for MommyLeBron's "Bipolar Tuesdays" and has shown what progress her daughter has made who's got most of the same diagnosis as what Bryce has as well. To say we "relate" is a clear understatement.

After reading the last comment that Drama_Mama_ had made in regards to our "kind words", the last line struck a chord with me. One that I still at times wrestle with.

Denial.

At first, when my son was a toddler and even a baby, I "denied" that I saw some "strange" things. Like not wanting to be held or touched much. Not liking the textures of certain food types. Crying at loud sounds like a fire engine. Ordering things, and getting profusely upset if you even slightly changed the order or the way the objects sat.

Then came the nasty mood swings that I chalked up to the "Terrible Two's" and "Horrible Threes".

But how can you "deny" facts like your child beating his sisters almost senseless or pulling a knife or hammer on you at the ages of 4, 5 and 6 years old, knowing he NEVER is able to watch movies that "promote" violence such as that?

I tried to "deny" the obvious for so long. And even when I did let myself see the REAL picture and magnitude of my child's problems, his father still was in denial himself. Until he saw Bryce actually pull a pencil on his older sister and heard his son say that he was going to stab her in the heart and kill her...over a TOY.

Not to mention the attention, focusing and extreme hyperness that got him in to trouble with the classroom Kindergarten teacher.

It took us a good two years to get ANYONE to listen and to lead us in the right direction. I definitely suspected (highly) ADHD. But of course the "doctor" (Pediatrician) chalked it up to his just "being an overly active, typical boy". Even after I stated the volatile states and severe mood swings.

At that point, I wondered who indeed was the one "in denial". And I had a CREDIBLE person attend that appointment with me. My mother-in-law who (at the time) was a (still) practicing nurse!

After almost a year later of the same crap, I finally got him in to his current Psychiatrist. It took at least three visits before the doctor would confirm or deny ANY kind of diagnosis for Bryce. He wanted to see my son a few times, get reports from the school, his Primary doctor and what the Case Manager where we go monthly had observed.

When all the pieces were fit together of the intricate puzzle that was my child, at least one firm thing was confirmed. My son has *SEVERE* ADHD. As I sat there and heard the OFFICIAL Dx, I bawled. And not from anger or sadness. From relief. FINALLY. Someone heard me. They BELIEVED me. I no longer had to TRY and deny "something" was off or wrong. After two extremely hard and long years, we were getting somewhere.

Parents like myself, The_Drama_Mama, Angel over at A Drink Of Sweet Tea and a host of others in my Blog Buddy List have times of denial. It's our way of "escaping", if just for a moment. It helps us see the true reality of what our children have to deal with on a daily basis.

Sometimes, "denial" can be a blessing. The reality is ALWAYS with us. But to "pretend" once in a while that our children are like ANYONE ELSE'S, even just for a brief moment, or have the deep-seeded hope that one day our kids will "grow out of it" gives us a tiny bit of our sanity back.

Denial doesn't (always) hurt anyone, if you are in denial for the "right" reason, and not to the point where it can damage you, your child or your family further.

Hence the question... "Why OUR kids!?"

Because they were put here to teach us something about ourselves. Patience, kindness, looking past other's differences, and a host of other reasons.

They weren't our "punishment" for something done in our past. They just want what we all want. Love, acceptance, the chance to meet their full potential and to show the world that "being crazy" isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Three kids, a minivan and one parent..

That was me, the one parent in a minivan with three kids. Two of which decided to have a throw down in the two back seats. All over one not letting the other draw with their pencil and piece of paper, whereas the youngest got to.

Bryce was being rude, whiny and non-compliant about his big sister not letting him have HER things, thanks to the way he demanded that he too should get something of HER'S to use. I even told him I agreed with the oldest in not letting him have anything to draw with, thanks to his attitude and immaturity.

The following video, which I have in the past, posted to my main blog, The (Not Always) Happy Homemaker Diary ran through my head for a short moment as I kept on trying to calm the storm as it raged...and as three military personnel walked by my vehicle.

Friends Are Hard To Come By In This World. (BLOG HOP..Add your link!)

No, I don't mean within THE world in general. But within MY world, and that of my son's.

Unless you (generally speaking) and your child go through what kinds of things we do on a daily basis, then no one can quite understand or comprehend my family's reality of daily living.

So, as you can imagine, friends who REALLY can understand and WANT TO understand, let alone accept my kid for WHO he is, not how he can act are pretty hard to come by.

Same goes for Bryce. He has a few friends. But otherwise, he is pretty much an "outcast" at school. Let's just say, kids can be pretty mean. Even in the fourth grade. And I know with Middle School looming upon him, it WILL get worse before it gets ANY better.

But, what few friends that my son DOES have, they see PAST his disabilities and his Tics, and see the REAL Bryce. The sweet, friendly, caring boy that he really is.

So, take the time to make a new and "different" kind of friend. And don't let outward and seemingly awkward appearances fool you. Because if they are like my son, once a friend, you have a friend for LIFE.

Now, after ADDING *YOUR* BLOG link to my link up tool (below), go find some more FAB FRIENDS to check out over at FOR THE LOVE OF BLOGS by clicking on their button.

Have a FAB Friday, everyone!

Using the "Disabled" card...

I myself was disabled (legally) for a good portion of my childhood due to medical problems that required that I have machinery with me at all times to clear out my lungs via my trache.

For the most part, aside from a few limitations. I was just a normal kid. To myself and to my friends (what few I had).

My mom was the one that made me out to be a seemingly helpless child. Out of fear more than anything else. The only REAL limitation I really had was going under water, or letting it go past by breast area. Otherwise, it was all good.

But she restricted me to no running, no playing softball or kickball (or soccer), no playing in the dirt and having to only go to friend's homes that were "near by in case something happened".

I refuse to do those things to my son. He has some limitations. Not in the physical sense, but mentally. Yes indeed, he is EXTREMELY smart educationally. But he severely lacks interpersonal relationship skills, behavior appropriation and his maturity level is more of my six year old's level, if not a bit younger to a degree.

But I still let him walk to school (on warm days, not in the rain or dead of winter). He gets to go to friend's homes, where a few may be as much as a five minute drive (instead of a five minute walk). He spends the night at his uncle's home once in a while and if a friend invited him for a night's stay, sure!

Bryce also must do chores. Clean his room, take recycling to the basement and place them in the appropriate bins, gather his dirty laundry to wash, put away his clean clothes.

I don't do the "he just doesn't understand or do it in a timely manner because of his mental problems, so I'll just do it for him" crap. He has working arms, legs, feet and hands! Why should I do it for him when he is PERFECTLY able-bodied to do so?

The only time you will see me use the "Disabled" card is when I have to list them for the doctors, to obtain services for the school or medical settings and to explain (if it happens) when he has an episode.

Otherwise, he is just a kid. Not a handicapped or disabled child. Just a normal child. I refuse to let his disabilities hinder my child from doing ANYTHING he wants to do or to try and do.

He will need to be an independent citizen of society. How will he become one if I do EVERYTHING for him and make the "Disabled" excuse for him for everything?

The world doesn't revolve around Bryce's disabilities. He and his disabilities are having to revolve and integrate in to the world around them. And that's as it should be.

What Do YOU See In Him??

When you see my son, what do you see? Do you see the happiness he can have most of the time? Do you see that he can be sly at any given moment? Do you see how much he loves his family?

Can you see that my son is Bipolar (classed as Mood Disorder), with OCD, ADHD, Asperger's Tendencies,Manic Depression, an Anxiety Disorder, Tardive Dyskenesia and a Behavior Disorder?

When our children with these 'problems' have an "off" day of lashing out and being 'abnormal', it is OUR normal. We have gotten used to the stares and whispers out in the public eye. Especially when an episode from the Mania he experiences just suddenly pops up during a shopping trip or other outing.

Sure all is fine and good with the world around us....Until *it* happens. Bryce's eyes glaze over in a "haze" and get a more sharp tone. His voice is quiet. His movement almost at a stand still. Then it happens. OUTBURST!

Next thing I know, I am having to take Bryce off to the side to talk him down, maybe even bear hug him from behind. Otherwise he is going to try and knock things over, run off, or hit someone (mainly me or his sisters).

And this is where the world's judges come in. They gawk and stare at the "evil" little boy and the parents that obviously can't "control" their kid. They see that as one of us is dealing with Bryce, the other is trying to maintain calmness with Hayley and Skyler, as to not have them feel upset or embarrassed.

Once everything is said and done, the calm comes as the storm passes. And everything is as it once was before the episode hit. And yes, these can occur at ANY given moment at ANY time of day, in ANY place (even in the home).

What you see as an "outsider" looking in though is NOT what I see. I don't see the "evil" little child that is unruly and needs his "ass whipped more often".

What I personally see as Bryce's mother, and Scott sees in his son as the boy's father is the potential that our son has to become a normal and productive member of society.

Bryce is in mainstream classes at school. And in ADVANCED Math and Reading classes.

He has friends and a 'social life'.

Bryce loves to play games on the computer.

My boy is a major Hot Wheels and Zhu Pets junkie.

He has a wonderful talent for knowing about Astronomy and Science in general.

But Bryce also requires monthly Psychiatric sessions because to help curb MOST of the symptoms of all of his disabilities, he needs medication. And to be sure that the medicines are working properly, there are no adverse affects, and that he is overall doing well, he must see a "shrink".

Okay, yes I said that I "drug" my kid. But, there are SO MANY misconceptions about the medications that are given to Psychiatric patients. Especially those given to children.

My son is not a "zombie'. He is not "foaming at the mouth" or listless. He is functioning at a better rate for his age THANKS TO those drugs. And it helps curb the ideals for him to go and get a hammer or knife and hold it up at me, all the while saying he is GOING TO KILL ME.

Yep, that's actually happened a few times over the years. Why do you think I have to keep the tool room locked? Mainly with the hammer. I don't remember him ever trying it with a knife. But he has raised scissors, ready to strike at me.

What this is all boiling down to is that for parents such as myself, we are tired of "professionals" telling us what we do or do not know. No one knows our children better than us. And when we cry out for help, we EXPECT someone to be there, listen and do RIGHT by our kids. Not pass us off and think that they 'know' our children. When that happens, dangerous or even fatal errors can occur.

Same goes for society as well. When you see a parent dealing with an "evil little brat", don't assume that the kid is just a 'bad seed' and the parent is just not "parenting right". Look at the scene a little closer. Try for a second to put yourself in their shoes. Because their child might be Special too.

Hidden Disabilities get the most "heat" in this nation (USA) and passed off by the general public more than it should be. It's time to stand back and get to know the person before judging them. They are human too and all they ask for, like anyone else is some compassion, understanding, and caring.

My hopes for my child(ren) in 2011.

Here is what I hope for my son with the start of the new year...

1) That he can FINALLY receive much needed Services that are SUPPOSED TO BE given to him per request in school (504 Plan, IEP, Day Treatment Services, a couple accommodations..ANYTHING).

2) That the stability keeps up with what meds and doses of said medications he is on now. So far, this chick has NO room to complain, in comparison to about a year and a half ago.

3) That he makes even bigger strides in his interpersonal relationships with his friends and family members.

4) That as a family, we keep getting stronger and on the bad days, can work together better to get past each bump in the proverbial road that comes our way.

5) I hope that all three of my children grow even more tight than they are now. They are close, but they are starting to stray, thanks to age. So I can only hope the bond deepens as they get older.

6) That all three of my kids live life to its fullest with grace, dignity, love, respect, tolerance and peace. I can only hope that my teachings and advocacy have thus far done their jobs in helping me to raise the future.

Walking Away = Failure?

Again, I am doing a Copy/Paste from my main blog, "The Happy Homemaker Diary" as to incorporate things that I have talked about in regards to my son and parenting him. Plus I think that the post says ever so well what I don't think I could say in secondary form with the right.."gusto" the first time around.

Even now, I have bouts of uncertainty and doubt in raising my children. I think all of us as parents tend to do it from time to time. But add in all the extra "needs" of a disabled child, and the doubts and uncertainty really pile up.

Copy of Why have I not walked away yet?..

How many times have you just wanted to give up? Be it getting ahead financially, the house getting back in order, getting the kids to listen or any other number of possible problems that we all face.

I've personally wanted to throw in the towel so many times that I have officially lost count. Okay, it's because I have no more fingers or toes to count on, being that all twenty of them are used up.

For those of us with children that have disabilities, the number can skyrocket. Especially if they have mental disabilities that make their personalities and moods change like the weather.

There have been days that I just want to leave my screaming, hateful, physically violent child and walk away. I get so tired. It is often times just too draining to deal with anymore. Both physically and mentally.

Those that have Neuro-Typical children (i.e. normal kids with normal heads) always tell us moms of kids like my son "If it were me, I wouldn't be able to handle it. How can you deal with this everyday?".

The answer is simple. We do it because we love our child too much to walk away.

They need us. And in the end, we need them too. Our children deserve as much "normalcy" as we can provide. And we are their only true advocates in this world to ensure that they get the best life that is obtainable.

Once again this morning, Bryce had an "off morning". Once again, I had to deal with whining, crying, back-talking, trying to swing at me and be in a total anti-behavioral mode.

People have seen me in public with him when he "snaps" like this and just stare. Why? Most likely because I am stern, but I'm not "loud" with him as I try to curb his "wild side". I have had people who have gotten to know us ask how I do it. How I stay so calm and collected.

My secret? At times I walk away. Even as Bryce is being belligerent. If I don't and the tempers are both flaring, I might say or do something that I can't take back. So I walk away, take a breath, go back right away and deal with him and the situation.

Yes, there are power struggles. Daily. And with Bryce, thanks to his problems, they are magnified by one hundred it seems. His brain computes emotions, ideals, and comprehension much differently from a "normal" child his age (Bryce is 8).

So, if you are having a really bad, no good, horrible day with your child, then just walk away for a bit. Be it to lock yourself in the bathroom or bedroom. Go outside and get a breath of fresh air on the porch.

Just be sure that the child in question (and any other children in the home) is safe.

Once you are calm, then deal with the situation and the child at hand. It's better than the alternative, which has a more negative outcome.