I'm a spanking parent. I have spanked my son as needed through the years. Of course, he is of an age and height that I have been able to find other means of punishment (like taking toys/games/computer time away). But the youngest who is 7 years old, though a rare thing, still gets spanked IF the "punishment fits the crime".
I have a friend on FaceBook who had been faced with a dilemma. Her child is three years old, disabled, and has yet to be diagnosed with Autism or any other mental delays. The other day at a family function, her husband had spanked their daughter for BITING, as well as hitting. And not a child, but another adult.
Her husband works a lot at his second shift job and only really sees the child on the weekends.
Mom isn't much on spanking, but Dad is. And when the little girl bit and hit the adult, the Dad got a hold of his daughter and spanked her for her actions. Needless to say, Mom wasn't pleased with how he handled the situation. She said it was more about the embarrassment of it happening in front of the family than anything else.
After hearing (or shall I say, reading) everything, I stated that the Mom can't really be mad at him. If he isn't able to be there due to working a lot, then he hasn't had the time (or maybe even the energy) to be TAUGHT (by her) of what works best with their daughter. You cannot just "assume" he SHOULD know how to help handle her, when he isn't there a lot of the time to learn by watching, listening or hands-on.
She needs to (calmly) approach him when they are BOTH free to get together, and talk with him and teach him what works best with your child. If she doesn't take the time to voice to him what works/doesn't work, then he won't know the BEST options of how to punish/redirect/handle his child.
In time, she will learn the differences of when it's her daughter just being a typical kid getting in to trouble, and between it REALLY being the disability showing through.
But even for as long as I have known the lowdown on my kid, I STILL have moments of wondering which way it is really swinging. In the end though, I try really, REALLY hard to NOT use the "he is disabled and has a lot of problems" excuse with him.
He is treated, talked to, and (most of the time) interacted with on the same level as his sisters. As in, he gets in to trouble just as much as they do.
I don't let my kid use his disabilities as an excuse 100% of the time. If I do/did, then HE would think that he can get out of trouble ALL of the time.
To me, he is just as "normal" as his nutty sisters are. He is just more matter-of-fact and sensitive emotionally than the girls.
I sometimes get HIGHLY embarrassed due to my son's actions, reactions and behaviors. No doubt. But even then, you cannot always "excuse" their behavior on their disabilities.
You have to learn and KEEP a balance between typical kid and disabled kid. Or else, they WILL grow up to think that they can (some literally) get away with murder.
And don't EVER be embarrassed to defuse a situation (such as biting and hitting someone) in front of others. I have done it on many occasions and WON'T be afraid to do so in the future, if need be.
You just need to find that balance, and the key to successful behavior management where child's concerned. Because they are unique individuals, and what works for me or any of the other parents, may not necessarily work for YOUR child, and you BOTH as their parents. There MUST be a middle ground that is firmly established.
Believe me when I say that I have had to (literally) peel my son off of one of his sisters as he bit them and used them for a punching bag. Seriously injuring the baby when she WAS a baby (bruises and a bonked head from being shoved off a toddler bed). Over NOTHING at all. Just got it in himself to start beating the holy hell out of her.
I don't care if a person spanks or not. When it comes to hitting and biting, you MUST take care of the problem RIGHT THEN. Not later in the day. Be it if the child is one year old or 15 years old. Biting and hitting, especially an adult, or a child YOUNGER than the one doing the hitting/biting, is a huge "no-no" that has NO excuses.
In that instance, wrong is wrong. No matter the reason. No matter the mental capacity. No matter if the child is "normal" or "disabled".
My philosophy is, if my "normal brained" girls are NOT allowed to behave in a certain manner (hitting, biting, stealing, cursing), then neither is my "mentally challenged" son.
How is honestly fair for me to excuse the actions of the one, and not of the two? That can and will build up resentment in his sisters against their brother, and against me if I was to excuse everything on the basis of his diagnoses.
Every single day it is indeed a struggle to find THAT balance between "normal childhood" behavior, and "disability-driven" behaviors. Some things though, should be no-brainer behaviors that no matter the mental capacity, should NEVER be tolerated or excused due to said disability.
And like a fellow group member had stated, not everything will work with everyone, nor will everyone believe that corporal punishment should be utilized. I say if used CORRECTLY and in the right situations, it CAN be an effective tool.
But not every offense deserves having a spanking. Just like not every offense deserves a month-long grounding.
I think a lot of my views stem from my own childhood. I WAS a disabled child. And my dad treated me as a normal kid. My mom on the other hand "babied" me. And she did it so much, to such an extent, that it really did tarnish my childhood, and made me resent her later on in life, for YEARS. Even after she died.
There is a time to use the "disability card" (my name for it), and when NOT to. Most times, it was just me being a kid. But to her, I did NO wrong, even when it was clear that I WAS in the wrong. So, I never got in trouble (if I did by her, it was VERY rare) unless my dad was there. And then, I got what he felt I deserved. Yes, that did include a spanking here and there.
The more I recall it all, and the more I think on it, I truly believe I got myself in to trouble, especially around my dad as much as I did, was because I THRIVED on it. I felt like a "normal" little kid.
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Showing posts with label learning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label learning. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Enabling vs Disabling
Thanks is going out to a fellow Special Needs mom, Amy, over on FaceBook, who I have become friends with, and her "push" for me to post the following.
We met in a WONDERFUL group for parents like ourselves who are parents to kids that are disabled. And it's a locally-based group for our region, but we accept people from outside the Virginia state lines, as well.
The group is called Parents For Progress, or P4P for short. Our kids have ALL different types of disabilities and mental capacity. We sometimes DO disagree, but never get cut-throat.
So without further ado...
Just two summers ago, I learned how to swim/float for the first time. I was 33 years old (now 35)! If I had what I needed to have done BY the time I almost turned 6 or 7 years old, then I would have learned to swim much earlier, among other things.
Sometimes, even all of these years later, I can find myself angry at my mom for disabling me even more and literally taking away my childhood. And I refuse to let my son to think/feel about me, let alone his sisters for doing the same to them.
I love my mom, and always will. But ever since I can remember, I vowed and have kept my word to it, to NEVER be like her, where parenting is concerned. Even after she had died. And to this day, I will have a moment of anger and resentment pop in to my head. Especially around the anniversary of my "official removal" of my trache tube (December 1, 1989... not even two months after my mom died).
Heck, the way I have been told in the past, I was THE reason why my parents never had anymore children after me. She was scared another baby "would turn out to have the same problems"... Um, MY problems were *somewhat* because of her (having a 50 LB tumor sitting next to me in-utero).
I was extremely tiny and lightweight at birth. I was born almost a month early with extreme fluid on my lung (which collapsed from the pressure and weight of the fluid) and a esophageal fistula (a break in my esophagus tract to determine between the airway and the stomach routes). I died on the operating table like 2 to 4 times in the 18-hour repair surgery (after a touchy care-flight ride to another hospital when I was LESS than 24 hours old), which forever changed the appearance of my shoulder blade area on the right side (and left me asymmetrical in the breast area).
From the day of my birth, she basically (at first, I understood being that I was so tiny and helpless, and gravely ill with having NO hope for a chance at life, really) became a "helicopter mom". Later in my elementary school years, she was STILL so overly protective, that not only did she volunteer, but also was a yard duty person at lunchtime, a lunchroom supervisor, but decided to also become an "assistant" for MY classroom or one near me as to "keep an eye on Missy"... In other words, I had NO break from her. She watched me like a hawk. 24/7. If I did go to a friend's house, most times, she would constantly check on me in one way or another.
Now, maybe some people, especially fellow parents, like myself, of disabled children, can see it from our kid's perspective as well when it comes to being either too lenient, too harsh or too overprotective (or even NOT protective enough).
I know all too well the fine line EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US walks on a daily basis with our kids. It's such a difficult balancing act. But they also thrive on being treated as "just another normal kid". Even when getting in to trouble.
We met in a WONDERFUL group for parents like ourselves who are parents to kids that are disabled. And it's a locally-based group for our region, but we accept people from outside the Virginia state lines, as well.
The group is called Parents For Progress, or P4P for short. Our kids have ALL different types of disabilities and mental capacity. We sometimes DO disagree, but never get cut-throat.
So without further ado...
Just two summers ago, I learned how to swim/float for the first time. I was 33 years old (now 35)! If I had what I needed to have done BY the time I almost turned 6 or 7 years old, then I would have learned to swim much earlier, among other things.
Sometimes, even all of these years later, I can find myself angry at my mom for disabling me even more and literally taking away my childhood. And I refuse to let my son to think/feel about me, let alone his sisters for doing the same to them.
I love my mom, and always will. But ever since I can remember, I vowed and have kept my word to it, to NEVER be like her, where parenting is concerned. Even after she had died. And to this day, I will have a moment of anger and resentment pop in to my head. Especially around the anniversary of my "official removal" of my trache tube (December 1, 1989... not even two months after my mom died).
Heck, the way I have been told in the past, I was THE reason why my parents never had anymore children after me. She was scared another baby "would turn out to have the same problems"... Um, MY problems were *somewhat* because of her (having a 50 LB tumor sitting next to me in-utero).
I was extremely tiny and lightweight at birth. I was born almost a month early with extreme fluid on my lung (which collapsed from the pressure and weight of the fluid) and a esophageal fistula (a break in my esophagus tract to determine between the airway and the stomach routes). I died on the operating table like 2 to 4 times in the 18-hour repair surgery (after a touchy care-flight ride to another hospital when I was LESS than 24 hours old), which forever changed the appearance of my shoulder blade area on the right side (and left me asymmetrical in the breast area).
From the day of my birth, she basically (at first, I understood being that I was so tiny and helpless, and gravely ill with having NO hope for a chance at life, really) became a "helicopter mom". Later in my elementary school years, she was STILL so overly protective, that not only did she volunteer, but also was a yard duty person at lunchtime, a lunchroom supervisor, but decided to also become an "assistant" for MY classroom or one near me as to "keep an eye on Missy"... In other words, I had NO break from her. She watched me like a hawk. 24/7. If I did go to a friend's house, most times, she would constantly check on me in one way or another.
Now, maybe some people, especially fellow parents, like myself, of disabled children, can see it from our kid's perspective as well when it comes to being either too lenient, too harsh or too overprotective (or even NOT protective enough).
I know all too well the fine line EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US walks on a daily basis with our kids. It's such a difficult balancing act. But they also thrive on being treated as "just another normal kid". Even when getting in to trouble.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Changes
On Tuesday, I had to work the Volunteer table at registration. After getting there, I registered the two kids that still will be attending (third is going to Middle School).
The School Nurse was seated in the Library and I was in the cafeteria. But this nurse was NOT the same nurse as from the previous school years. And knowing how busy she is, sometimes (due to health) she needs a sub nurse. Which is what I had thought of as I had seen the lady sitting at the desk.
Come to find out, that this woman IS the School Nurse, and is replacing the one that I have come to value as a friend, and whom my son was EXTREMELY attached to.
As I am sitting in my spot at Registration, another friend comes up, who's child is going to Second grade, and is a Title 1 Reading Aide to say hi. We haven't talked all summer. Well, then SHE to drops a bombshell. She is leaving at the end of the month to work in a Dentist's office, in the same building as her twin sister.
Needless to say, telling B was no picnic. And he wasn't all too happy. But also, where the School Nurse is concerned, I can ALREADY see it coming. That is, unless his Homeroom Teacher (and my oldest's former teacher, and she also taught my husband in third grade, many moons ago) catches on to the tricks first and thwarts his idea.
B can be highly manipulative. And if you don't know his subtle ways, his mannerisms and his voice changes, he can EASILY pull a fast one on you. And it usually happens when he doesn't want to do something, trying to get out of classwork or a test or is in an environment he doesn't care to be in at the moment.
The former school's nurse knew ALL of his tricks. She knew when she needed to call me. She knew when she just needed to shoo him off back to class. She even knew when he HONESTLY did not get his Vyvanse that particular morning, and instead of calling, knowing B NEVER, EVER lies about it, just would give him his pill and then send him on his merry little way.
This year, I can see A LOT of phone calls from the nurse in my future. Then again, knowing the teacher, she will be able to catch him in his little cat/mouse game and thwart his ruse. Because she is just that covered and smothered in Awesome Sauce!.. I at least hope.
The School Nurse was seated in the Library and I was in the cafeteria. But this nurse was NOT the same nurse as from the previous school years. And knowing how busy she is, sometimes (due to health) she needs a sub nurse. Which is what I had thought of as I had seen the lady sitting at the desk.
Come to find out, that this woman IS the School Nurse, and is replacing the one that I have come to value as a friend, and whom my son was EXTREMELY attached to.
As I am sitting in my spot at Registration, another friend comes up, who's child is going to Second grade, and is a Title 1 Reading Aide to say hi. We haven't talked all summer. Well, then SHE to drops a bombshell. She is leaving at the end of the month to work in a Dentist's office, in the same building as her twin sister.
Needless to say, telling B was no picnic. And he wasn't all too happy. But also, where the School Nurse is concerned, I can ALREADY see it coming. That is, unless his Homeroom Teacher (and my oldest's former teacher, and she also taught my husband in third grade, many moons ago) catches on to the tricks first and thwarts his idea.
B can be highly manipulative. And if you don't know his subtle ways, his mannerisms and his voice changes, he can EASILY pull a fast one on you. And it usually happens when he doesn't want to do something, trying to get out of classwork or a test or is in an environment he doesn't care to be in at the moment.
The former school's nurse knew ALL of his tricks. She knew when she needed to call me. She knew when she just needed to shoo him off back to class. She even knew when he HONESTLY did not get his Vyvanse that particular morning, and instead of calling, knowing B NEVER, EVER lies about it, just would give him his pill and then send him on his merry little way.
This year, I can see A LOT of phone calls from the nurse in my future. Then again, knowing the teacher, she will be able to catch him in his little cat/mouse game and thwart his ruse. Because she is just that covered and smothered in Awesome Sauce!.. I at least hope.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Schoolward Bound. Fifth Grade, Here He Comes!!
This past week we are about to leave, and the one that is coming upon us has been and will be fairly busy. It's back to school time. And I think that ALL of us are ready. For the most part, anyways.
This week was filled with filling out paperwork, taking in paperwork to be filled out by Medical Professionals, a doctor appointment and school supply shopping.
Geez! Just thinking of what I just listed, I'm tired all over again! *hehe* (=
This coming week, it's REGISTRATION time! And this means now, TWO different schools for three different kids. My oldest is moving on to Middle School.
B is in fifth grade this year. And thankfully, I was able to place him in with my oldest's former homeroom teacher, who is the ONLY one of the three in their grade to be Special Education certified.
It also helps that she taught my HUSBAND when he was a kid at another school, for the third grade. And she started LAST school year to acclimate him by saying good morning to him, giving him his "morning hug" (their classrooms were next to one another at the time between the two grades). And she already has gotten an idea of what his needs will be with classroom placement and what will possibly work best to get the best ability out of his potential.
She runs a pretty tight ship. You do as expected, she is your BFF. You decide to make her life hell and not do as instructed, then your ass is grass. And he needs that kind of firm structure. And she is already on to his manipulations. BONUS!
Do I worry? Yep! But not as much as I have with the teachers of the past in regards to B. This lady is one of the best in her field. And one of the most patient and kind. But also one of the most strict and not able to be bamboozled, too.
I'll more so worry NEXT year, then I will THIS year. Because there is a VERY good chance that B and his older sister will NOT be in the same Middle School, being she was accepted in to a school across town that takes those that are highly advanced/gifted. If she is able to remain there next school year (2012-2013), then he will be in our Zone School for Middle School all on his own.
Yes, he too is advanced in most areas of study. But he doesn't have the work ethic and focus for a Gifted Program. Thanks to his emotional instability, lack of maturity, and his severe ADHD it takes him out of the running for advancement such as what his sister is in. And it hurts me. But at the same time, I can safely say that a setting such as that is clearly not for him.
Should I compare? No. But it is extremely hard to NOT see the difference versus the similarities.
You sometimes, I feel, HAVE TO compare the "odd one out" to the others because it forces you to see just how different the one with the problems truly is from most of society. It makes you step back and think a little more and be more compassionate, understanding and willing to have more patience. Not just with YOUR child with Silent Disabilities, but other children (and adults) with the same afflictions as well.
So, here is to (hopefully) smooth sailing for this school year. In just over a week, and then all three are off on another school-year adventure of learning and fun. But this year, it will be minus their big sister. And I think they will do just fine.
This week was filled with filling out paperwork, taking in paperwork to be filled out by Medical Professionals, a doctor appointment and school supply shopping.
Geez! Just thinking of what I just listed, I'm tired all over again! *hehe* (=
This coming week, it's REGISTRATION time! And this means now, TWO different schools for three different kids. My oldest is moving on to Middle School.
B is in fifth grade this year. And thankfully, I was able to place him in with my oldest's former homeroom teacher, who is the ONLY one of the three in their grade to be Special Education certified.
It also helps that she taught my HUSBAND when he was a kid at another school, for the third grade. And she started LAST school year to acclimate him by saying good morning to him, giving him his "morning hug" (their classrooms were next to one another at the time between the two grades). And she already has gotten an idea of what his needs will be with classroom placement and what will possibly work best to get the best ability out of his potential.
She runs a pretty tight ship. You do as expected, she is your BFF. You decide to make her life hell and not do as instructed, then your ass is grass. And he needs that kind of firm structure. And she is already on to his manipulations. BONUS!
Do I worry? Yep! But not as much as I have with the teachers of the past in regards to B. This lady is one of the best in her field. And one of the most patient and kind. But also one of the most strict and not able to be bamboozled, too.
I'll more so worry NEXT year, then I will THIS year. Because there is a VERY good chance that B and his older sister will NOT be in the same Middle School, being she was accepted in to a school across town that takes those that are highly advanced/gifted. If she is able to remain there next school year (2012-2013), then he will be in our Zone School for Middle School all on his own.
Yes, he too is advanced in most areas of study. But he doesn't have the work ethic and focus for a Gifted Program. Thanks to his emotional instability, lack of maturity, and his severe ADHD it takes him out of the running for advancement such as what his sister is in. And it hurts me. But at the same time, I can safely say that a setting such as that is clearly not for him.
Should I compare? No. But it is extremely hard to NOT see the difference versus the similarities.
You sometimes, I feel, HAVE TO compare the "odd one out" to the others because it forces you to see just how different the one with the problems truly is from most of society. It makes you step back and think a little more and be more compassionate, understanding and willing to have more patience. Not just with YOUR child with Silent Disabilities, but other children (and adults) with the same afflictions as well.
So, here is to (hopefully) smooth sailing for this school year. In just over a week, and then all three are off on another school-year adventure of learning and fun. But this year, it will be minus their big sister. And I think they will do just fine.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
SOL Testing & My Kid (PYHO)
I've decided to do this as a POUR YOUR HEART OUT post, seeing as indeed, I'm writing in regards to something that I have kept bottled up inside since last Friday.
Now, the main rule with this hop/carnival/meme is the "golden rule" of life. If you can't say something nice (or constructive, even if you disagree), then refrain from saying anything at all. Why? Because this may be the ONLY time/place that we that participate in PYHO CAN say what we feel about something that is going on in our lives or are on our hearts/minds.
With that said, if you want to participate too, just click on the PYHO button below, grab the link-up and go for it.
Thanks to a friend over on Twitter, Tough Cookie Mommy, who also has a blog here on Blogger of the same title, I have today's post.
She is a teacher, and I am just a parent. But our kids, two states different are having major testing this week. I think her's have more state-based types of testing, due to the name of what it is.
But my two oldest who are in fourth and fifth grades respectively, as well as the third graders, are having SOL testing this week.
What IS an "SOL", you ask? It stands for Standards of Learning. It is a Federally-based/mandated test that the children take one time during the year (near the end of the school year).
Some (3rd and 5th) take all five subjects (math, reading, soc. studies, science and writing aptitude). The 4th graders take only two subjects (math and reading). Plus the kids take SOLs again in High School, also. And in Senior year, if you fail just ONE subject, they will NOT let you graduate High School with your class.
The higher the overall scores for SOLs that the kids bring in, combined, the more money that they get, as well as more close to complete Accreditation. And their intake of funds depends all on those Accreditation percentages.
Now, what's MY beef with this, you ask? Let's start off with the yearly phone call (message board-generated, mind you). It never fails. The weekend before testing week for SOLs and PALS (lower grades) testing, THE call comes in.
"Get a good night's sleep", "eat a good, filling breakfast", "tell them to do their best" and all the other crap.
Now, note that this is the ONLY time of year that this type of call comes out to us parents. And to me, that's pretty pathetic. Why? Because it *seems* that this is the ONLY time of the year that the school TRULY cares (somewhat) about how these kids do, education-wise. But (to ME) it's more about "raking in" the money. Remember, the better the overall percentage of Accreditation scores, and individual scoring (up to 600), the more money from the Government the school receives.
Last night, I asked Bryce if they had let him go to another teacher's room (the Title 1 class), where there would be basically no one but him and said teacher, as to take his portions of the test this week (he did the first of the two already). YEP! He did. And he will again today, as well.
Now, tell me why they would let my child go to another area (be it the classroom, library, office, or wherever) to take his tests for SOL, but they ignore his (and my) request to do this for him during the OTHER TIMES of the school year?
Funny. That has (all along) been one of the (very) few accommodation requests that BOTH (he as the student with special needs, and I as the parent) of us have asked a number of times for during the last few school years. In writing AND in person.
Right now, the school's finances and their reputation are on the line within the eyes of the Federal Government. But they need to WAKE UP and realize, too that their reps are ALWAYS on the line with the general public at large AND with the parents of the students that they serve.
While it's no longer surprising that this happens to Bryce EVERY single school year, it certainly does piss me off. Because it blatantly shows (in my eyes) that they care (obviously) more about the money than the children and THEIR potential and ability.
Now, the main rule with this hop/carnival/meme is the "golden rule" of life. If you can't say something nice (or constructive, even if you disagree), then refrain from saying anything at all. Why? Because this may be the ONLY time/place that we that participate in PYHO CAN say what we feel about something that is going on in our lives or are on our hearts/minds.
With that said, if you want to participate too, just click on the PYHO button below, grab the link-up and go for it.
Thanks to a friend over on Twitter, Tough Cookie Mommy, who also has a blog here on Blogger of the same title, I have today's post.
She is a teacher, and I am just a parent. But our kids, two states different are having major testing this week. I think her's have more state-based types of testing, due to the name of what it is.
But my two oldest who are in fourth and fifth grades respectively, as well as the third graders, are having SOL testing this week.
What IS an "SOL", you ask? It stands for Standards of Learning. It is a Federally-based/mandated test that the children take one time during the year (near the end of the school year).
Some (3rd and 5th) take all five subjects (math, reading, soc. studies, science and writing aptitude). The 4th graders take only two subjects (math and reading). Plus the kids take SOLs again in High School, also. And in Senior year, if you fail just ONE subject, they will NOT let you graduate High School with your class.
The higher the overall scores for SOLs that the kids bring in, combined, the more money that they get, as well as more close to complete Accreditation. And their intake of funds depends all on those Accreditation percentages.
Now, what's MY beef with this, you ask? Let's start off with the yearly phone call (message board-generated, mind you). It never fails. The weekend before testing week for SOLs and PALS (lower grades) testing, THE call comes in.
"Get a good night's sleep", "eat a good, filling breakfast", "tell them to do their best" and all the other crap.
Now, note that this is the ONLY time of year that this type of call comes out to us parents. And to me, that's pretty pathetic. Why? Because it *seems* that this is the ONLY time of the year that the school TRULY cares (somewhat) about how these kids do, education-wise. But (to ME) it's more about "raking in" the money. Remember, the better the overall percentage of Accreditation scores, and individual scoring (up to 600), the more money from the Government the school receives.
Last night, I asked Bryce if they had let him go to another teacher's room (the Title 1 class), where there would be basically no one but him and said teacher, as to take his portions of the test this week (he did the first of the two already). YEP! He did. And he will again today, as well.
Now, tell me why they would let my child go to another area (be it the classroom, library, office, or wherever) to take his tests for SOL, but they ignore his (and my) request to do this for him during the OTHER TIMES of the school year?
Funny. That has (all along) been one of the (very) few accommodation requests that BOTH (he as the student with special needs, and I as the parent) of us have asked a number of times for during the last few school years. In writing AND in person.
Right now, the school's finances and their reputation are on the line within the eyes of the Federal Government. But they need to WAKE UP and realize, too that their reps are ALWAYS on the line with the general public at large AND with the parents of the students that they serve.
While it's no longer surprising that this happens to Bryce EVERY single school year, it certainly does piss me off. Because it blatantly shows (in my eyes) that they care (obviously) more about the money than the children and THEIR potential and ability.
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