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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Denial..Why "Our" Kids? (PYHO)

**Reminder..Those of us linking up with Shell at PYHO are literally writing from our hearts, what is on our minds. Good, bad and indifferent. It's a place to BUILD UP, not tear down those of us participating. So, if you have NOTHING NICE to say in your comment, please refrain from commenting at all.**

I've got a lovely, sweet, funny and kind new Bloggy and Twitter friend. Her pen name is The_Drama_Mama over at The Scoop On Poop. I have even added her blog to my Blog list of Special Needs Bloggers here in The "Mental"-ist Mom. Most of the time, she shows us what her life with a child with many mental disorders is like using humor and seeing the lighter side of life.

But she took on a more serious topic for MommyLeBron's "Bipolar Tuesdays" and has shown what progress her daughter has made who's got most of the same diagnosis as what Bryce has as well. To say we "relate" is a clear understatement.

After reading the last comment that Drama_Mama_ had made in regards to our "kind words", the last line struck a chord with me. One that I still at times wrestle with.


At first, when my son was a toddler and even a baby, I "denied" that I saw some "strange" things. Like not wanting to be held or touched much. Not liking the textures of certain food types. Crying at loud sounds like a fire engine. Ordering things, and getting profusely upset if you even slightly changed the order or the way the objects sat.

Then came the nasty mood swings that I chalked up to the "Terrible Two's" and "Horrible Threes".

But how can you "deny" facts like your child beating his sisters almost senseless or pulling a knife or hammer on you at the ages of 4, 5 and 6 years old, knowing he NEVER is able to watch movies that "promote" violence such as that?

I tried to "deny" the obvious for so long. And even when I did let myself see the REAL picture and magnitude of my child's problems, his father still was in denial himself. Until he saw Bryce actually pull a pencil on his older sister and heard his son say that he was going to stab her in the heart and kill her...over a TOY.

Not to mention the attention, focusing and extreme hyperness that got him in to trouble with the classroom Kindergarten teacher.

It took us a good two years to get ANYONE to listen and to lead us in the right direction. I definitely suspected (highly) ADHD. But of course the "doctor" (Pediatrician) chalked it up to his just "being an overly active, typical boy". Even after I stated the volatile states and severe mood swings.

At that point, I wondered who indeed was the one "in denial". And I had a CREDIBLE person attend that appointment with me. My mother-in-law who (at the time) was a (still) practicing nurse!

After almost a year later of the same crap, I finally got him in to his current Psychiatrist. It took at least three visits before the doctor would confirm or deny ANY kind of diagnosis for Bryce. He wanted to see my son a few times, get reports from the school, his Primary doctor and what the Case Manager where we go monthly had observed.

When all the pieces were fit together of the intricate puzzle that was my child, at least one firm thing was confirmed. My son has *SEVERE* ADHD. As I sat there and heard the OFFICIAL Dx, I bawled. And not from anger or sadness. From relief. FINALLY. Someone heard me. They BELIEVED me. I no longer had to TRY and deny "something" was off or wrong. After two extremely hard and long years, we were getting somewhere.

Parents like myself, The_Drama_Mama, Angel over at A Drink Of Sweet Tea and a host of others in my Blog Buddy List have times of denial. It's our way of "escaping", if just for a moment. It helps us see the true reality of what our children have to deal with on a daily basis.

Sometimes, "denial" can be a blessing. The reality is ALWAYS with us. But to "pretend" once in a while that our children are like ANYONE ELSE'S, even just for a brief moment, or have the deep-seeded hope that one day our kids will "grow out of it" gives us a tiny bit of our sanity back.

Denial doesn't (always) hurt anyone, if you are in denial for the "right" reason, and not to the point where it can damage you, your child or your family further.

Hence the question... "Why OUR kids!?"

Because they were put here to teach us something about ourselves. Patience, kindness, looking past other's differences, and a host of other reasons.

They weren't our "punishment" for something done in our past. They just want what we all want. Love, acceptance, the chance to meet their full potential and to show the world that "being crazy" isn't necessarily a bad thing.


JudiElise said...

You hit upon a very touchy subject for many.

When my 1st son was born, it was my mother who pointed out the differences within months of his birth. Their Dad took 18 years (and his own adult ADHD diagnosis) to finally accept that our son had autism/Asperger's.

I couldn't deny there were challenges, but I could deny the lack of hope for his future. As he goes off to college this year, I realize that a healthy dose of denial has its benefits. Well-placed stubbornness pays off.

But denying that there is anything wrong is the worst step any of us can make. If we get past that, we are well on our way!

Thanks for the post!

singedwingangel said...

I don't think as parents we just deny mental or physical things either. I was in denial about his drug use, though I knew the odds of his likelihood with his illness and his genetic link with his bio dad. But I finally admitted it to myself and put down things that were unremovable for him, the ability to deny to us or himself and to force him to get help.
Sometimes we just need to ensure what we are denying is not detrimental to their treatment and life.

Slidecutter said...

I agree; for parents, that denial helps us cope in some odd way. As you said, it gives moments of vague normalcy and, in some small ways, hope.

For the professionals involved in diagnosis and treatment, my rigid opinion is that "denial" is used when a diagnosis is outside their normal "box" of thinking and of treatment. Symptoms are presented and, at times, only half-heard. Too many doctors simply blow-off a parents concerns and others just run for the favored medication-of-the-month without realizing their young patient is an individual with issues that don't classify them in with the accepted generalized treatment of mental disorders.

Okay, that's my ramble for today as I try and deal with my 32 year old ADHD son and my own ADD self.

Blessings and Hugs,


Shell said...

Denial is so common. I want my kids to be "normal." And ignored signs. But, in the end, it doesn't help anyone.

I still struggle with the why my child question. B/c it just doesn't seem fair.

Mommylebron said...

Denial is a powerful part of this roller coaster ride isn't it? I once wrote about the stages of grief I went through in accepting my daughter's illness, with of course, denial being among them.
Sometimes it is easy to deny the illness and blame our parenting but in the end that doesn't help our kiddos so we have to be stubborn, to speak up and to insist when we know something is not right. Thank you for sharing this and thank you for linking to me. Feel free to add this to my Bipolar Tuesday linky!

Not a Perfect Mom said...

came over from Shells..
great post...I can't imagine what it must be like to have no one listening to your concerns about your mothers, we know when something is not quite right...what a relief it must have been to have a dx and be able to move forward!
my youngest has Down Syndrome, so although I have a special needs child I never had to convince anyone, convincing the state of what therapies she needs-that's another story!
I really enjoyed your blog..I'll be back!

pr0udmom0f3 said...

Thanks everyone! I indeed knew it is certainly a "touchy" subject. But one that honestly really did need addressing. Denial can be both good and bad, as we all here know. It's HOW we 'use' our denial that "makes us or breaks us".

MommyLeBron, I'll certainly link this up to your Tuesday spot.

NOT A PERFECT MOM, As for therapies..That is another subject that can be rather sensitive as well. And indeed, I will wish to touch upon it as well.

Stephanie said...

This is an incredibly beautifully written post. It completely justifies why I "put it out there" in the public internet instead of keeping it "private", and, through your post, you have offered me comfort and support and given me a new view too.

THIS? makes everything else worth it. This is exactly why I put the poop out there, and why I blog in the first place. (well, one of the top 3 reasons).

Thank you for such a thought provoking post and for taking on a sensitive subject in such a heartfelt way.

--The Drama Mama

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