I'm a spanking parent. I have spanked my son as needed through the years. Of course, he is of an age and height that I have been able to find other means of punishment (like taking toys/games/computer time away). But the youngest who is 7 years old, though a rare thing, still gets spanked IF the "punishment fits the crime".
I have a friend on FaceBook who had been faced with a dilemma. Her child is three years old, disabled, and has yet to be diagnosed with Autism or any other mental delays. The other day at a family function, her husband had spanked their daughter for BITING, as well as hitting. And not a child, but another adult.
Her husband works a lot at his second shift job and only really sees the child on the weekends.
Mom isn't much on spanking, but Dad is. And when the little girl bit and hit the adult, the Dad got a hold of his daughter and spanked her for her actions. Needless to say, Mom wasn't pleased with how he handled the situation. She said it was more about the embarrassment of it happening in front of the family than anything else.
After hearing (or shall I say, reading) everything, I stated that the Mom can't really be mad at him. If he isn't able to be there due to working a lot, then he hasn't had the time (or maybe even the energy) to be TAUGHT (by her) of what works best with their daughter. You cannot just "assume" he SHOULD know how to help handle her, when he isn't there a lot of the time to learn by watching, listening or hands-on.
She needs to (calmly) approach him when they are BOTH free to get together, and talk with him and teach him what works best with your child. If she doesn't take the time to voice to him what works/doesn't work, then he won't know the BEST options of how to punish/redirect/handle his child.
In time, she will learn the differences of when it's her daughter just being a typical kid getting in to trouble, and between it REALLY being the disability showing through.
But even for as long as I have known the lowdown on my kid, I STILL have moments of wondering which way it is really swinging. In the end though, I try really, REALLY hard to NOT use the "he is disabled and has a lot of problems" excuse with him.
He is treated, talked to, and (most of the time) interacted with on the same level as his sisters. As in, he gets in to trouble just as much as they do.
I don't let my kid use his disabilities as an excuse 100% of the time. If I do/did, then HE would think that he can get out of trouble ALL of the time.
To me, he is just as "normal" as his nutty sisters are. He is just more matter-of-fact and sensitive emotionally than the girls.
I sometimes get HIGHLY embarrassed due to my son's actions, reactions and behaviors. No doubt. But even then, you cannot always "excuse" their behavior on their disabilities.
You have to learn and KEEP a balance between typical kid and disabled kid. Or else, they WILL grow up to think that they can (some literally) get away with murder.
And don't EVER be embarrassed to defuse a situation (such as biting and hitting someone) in front of others. I have done it on many occasions and WON'T be afraid to do so in the future, if need be.
You just need to find that balance, and the key to successful behavior management where child's concerned. Because they are unique individuals, and what works for me or any of the other parents, may not necessarily work for YOUR child, and you BOTH as their parents. There MUST be a middle ground that is firmly established.
Believe me when I say that I have had to (literally) peel my son off of one of his sisters as he bit them and used them for a punching bag. Seriously injuring the baby when she WAS a baby (bruises and a bonked head from being shoved off a toddler bed). Over NOTHING at all. Just got it in himself to start beating the holy hell out of her.
I don't care if a person spanks or not. When it comes to hitting and biting, you MUST take care of the problem RIGHT THEN. Not later in the day. Be it if the child is one year old or 15 years old. Biting and hitting, especially an adult, or a child YOUNGER than the one doing the hitting/biting, is a huge "no-no" that has NO excuses.
In that instance, wrong is wrong. No matter the reason. No matter the mental capacity. No matter if the child is "normal" or "disabled".
My philosophy is, if my "normal brained" girls are NOT allowed to behave in a certain manner (hitting, biting, stealing, cursing), then neither is my "mentally challenged" son.
How is honestly fair for me to excuse the actions of the one, and not of the two? That can and will build up resentment in his sisters against their brother, and against me if I was to excuse everything on the basis of his diagnoses.
Every single day it is indeed a struggle to find THAT balance between "normal childhood" behavior, and "disability-driven" behaviors. Some things though, should be no-brainer behaviors that no matter the mental capacity, should NEVER be tolerated or excused due to said disability.
And like a fellow group member had stated, not everything will work with everyone, nor will everyone believe that corporal punishment should be utilized. I say if used CORRECTLY and in the right situations, it CAN be an effective tool.
But not every offense deserves having a spanking. Just like not every offense deserves a month-long grounding.
I think a lot of my views stem from my own childhood. I WAS a disabled child. And my dad treated me as a normal kid. My mom on the other hand "babied" me. And she did it so much, to such an extent, that it really did tarnish my childhood, and made me resent her later on in life, for YEARS. Even after she died.
There is a time to use the "disability card" (my name for it), and when NOT to. Most times, it was just me being a kid. But to her, I did NO wrong, even when it was clear that I WAS in the wrong. So, I never got in trouble (if I did by her, it was VERY rare) unless my dad was there. And then, I got what he felt I deserved. Yes, that did include a spanking here and there.
The more I recall it all, and the more I think on it, I truly believe I got myself in to trouble, especially around my dad as much as I did, was because I THRIVED on it. I felt like a "normal" little kid.
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1 comment:
It is my opinion that spanking sends the wrong message to your children. When teaching my children how to deal with conflict I don't want hitting to be one of their ways of handling it. I also want my children to learn anger impulse control. I feel that hitting is wrong...be that a child hitting another child or adult, or an adult hitting a child or another adult. That being said, I also believe that discipline is a personal decision and as long as a child isn't being abused parents should be free to discipline their children as they see fit.
Now, on to using one's disablitly as an excuse for bad behavior. If the behavior is in fact stimming from a child's disablitly the underlaying cause must be addressed or the behavior will continue regardless of the discipline used. I agree that any situation where a child is hurting someone else needs to be handled immediately.
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